It has taken me several years to accept certain things in life. To not dwell on the what ifs! As I get older I tend to be more and more sad due to loved ones not here to experience new things in my life. Like what if I took off work that last day grandpa was live, then he wouldn't have died alone? Or what if I skipped school on December 5th, 2003 to see my grandma's last smile before she passed away on the 14th? I think everyone is full of what ifs, if not then you're just not human. I have accepted their death along with others, even though I'm sure my readers may be thinking differently after reading this post. It's part of life and the part no one really cares to talk about because lets face it, it's sad and scary all at the same time. But it always helps to know they're in a better place and now our guardian angels watching over us.
Well I guess I did just lie, I'm not fully over all of them. No one can understand until they actually go through the same thing of losing close ones due to someone else taking their life. It's SO different from a car accident, illness, freak accident, etc. Those are things that no one can control unlike a murder, where someone holds your life in the palm of their hands. To me, after almost 13 years you never get those images/memories/details out of your head. Never! Each day does get a little easier, but the pain will always be there. Just one of those things you have to live with and try to accept in order to go on with your life.
Sorry for such a sappy blog, just needed to get if off my chest. I'm sure a lot of that has to due with the anniversary of the friends' death coming up very soon.
Im right there with you girl! I ask myself some of those questions to.
ReplyDeleteI can't belive its been almost 13 years and you are very right there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about them. I have been fortunate not to lose any grandparents but I knew yours very well and I can't imagine how hard it is.
ReplyDeleteWe can't go back and change the what ifs and cant keep thinking about them or they will eat us alive.
I ask myself the what if's, too.
ReplyDeleteEspecially with Grandpa Andy, I wish I would have went ahead and spent the night at the hospital on the 8th of January so he wouldn't have been alone when he died. I regret that very much. But on the other hand, Grandpa would have said, "Runt, you need your rest, you don't need to stay". In my heart, I KNOW he appreciated me spending the night with him when he was admitted to the ER two days earlier. I held his hand throughout the night, just wish I would have also gone on the 8th.
We love and miss you, Grandma Dodie, Grandpa Andy and our good friends, The Brouk's.